A Friendship Ends

Have you experienced, like I do since many years, that negative thinking strongly interferes with relationships; this is especially but not only the case when alcohol played a role in your behavior.

I talk from experience when I say that alcohol does fire up negative emotions. While they may be underlying our conscious awareness at all times, they become strangely sharpened and unruly when we are under the influence of alcohol. To make it worse, when you get from a dialogue into a monologue, and you begin to rant about all and everything, your friend receiving your email may feel personally hit: while you did not intent it, and your rants were meant ‘in general.’

But this is the important point about communication. There is never something really ‘general’ in a dialogue, as the other person will always somehow relate what you say to themselves, especially when it’s something negative. You may have the best intentions in the world, and mean to ‘give advice,’ when you are becoming controlling the other person feels her freedom being tampered with, and becomes defensive.

From there until the dialogue is set off by the other party is only a small step. This is a pattern well familiar to all of my readers, it’s not some esoteric knowledge; we know all of this intuitively. And yet, I can say it is not easy to overcome this self-defeating pattern, especially when you continue to exchange with others under the influence of alcohol. The self-awareness level is reduced by alcoholic beverage from a certain quantity of consumption onwards, which means that we become much less sensitive about how our words may hit the other person instead of being elements of a sharing dialogue.

Having analyzed this pattern in my life and in recurring relationships that almost all ended in a rupture of dialogue, I came to the conclusion that it’s a deep-seated feeling of inadequacy that is at the root of this complex.

Feeling inadequate is a very anti-social thing some of us are suffering from, usually as a result of lacking acceptance in childhood. We were constantly made believe that we are insufficient, that we are inadequate and that we ‘should be better than that.’ This becomes a feedback-loop then later in life in such a way that in order to not feel being inadequate, you boost yourself up because you want to lift yourself up. But lifting yourself up is different from boosting your control-level in the life of another person. When you boost yourself up, you take control of the relationship, and this is ultimately destructive to a harmonious exchange of two minds and souls. The other person namely feels pushed into a corner, or even manipulated.

So how to solve this problem? I think it can only be solved at the root level, that is, through overcoming those feelings of inadequacy and do away with ‘taking control’ in any way in relationships, which ultimately means ‘Let Go and Let God.’

What also helps is to get beyond appearances and affirm the Divinity in your friend or the person you are exchanging with, even if it’s just a pen-pal. You are less inclined to boost yourself up in a relationship when you are aware that both of you are Divine beings, that both of you have a heart and soul, and are sensitive beings. You will then remain careful about what language you are using, and avoid ‘ranting’ language or foul language, or negatively charged language, even if you are not directly insulting your friend. Even when you rant just about your own life, or the world ‘at large’ or politics or the government, without involving your friend in the rant, the negative vibes tend to disrupt the dialogue with the other person and let her feel uncomfortable, for the least. If you do more than that and you also fault-find your friend in your rants, you can be sure to get a reject, and the friendship may end right there.

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